New Website

It's something that's been on my to-do list for a while, but I'm delighted to say that my new website is now ready.  You should find it easier to navigate and locate the important details about my counselling practice in Waterford, Ireland very quickly.  You'll find all the details on how to make an appointment, my counselling room, fees and some information about how counselling/therapy works, amongst other things.  I  provide counselling on a wide range of issues to individuals and EAPs (Employee Assistence Programmes) in Waterford and surrounding areas.  You'll also find information on my new counselling website on how to connect with me on social media, including Blogger, Twitter and LinkedIn.  Please take a few minutes to visit my website at www.monicajackmancounselling.ie and feel free to get in touch if you have any questions or comments.

New mobile phone number

My new mobile phone number is 087-3663212.  Please ring me on this number or on 051-873536 for information or an appointment or email:  Monicajackmancounselling@gmail.com

Three ways to happiness

There are many ways of understanding human well-being, but perhaps the most simple and useful is to think in terms three different approaches. In other words, if you want to find happiness, there are three different routes you can take.

First of all, there is doing. There are certain activities you can engage in that are highly likely to bring you well-being. You can have contact with nature, for example. You can practice altruism, kindness, and generousity to the people around you. You can exercise, spend more time socializing, and ensure there are activities in your life that will provide you with "flow"—the state of intense absorption, which comes when we engage with challenging and stimulating activities. You can also try to ensure there are goals in your life to engage you and for you to work toward. In this way, the path of doing is clearly a very effective way of bringing well-being into your life.

Secondly, there is thinking. You can bring more well-being into your life by changing the way you think. You can learn to think positively rather than negatively. You can identify your "scripts" of repetitive negative thoughts and replace them with more rational thinking patterns. You can learn to interpret events positively and train yourself to see the future in an optimistic light. And perhaps most importantly of all, you can cultivate a sense of gratitude and appreciation. You can learn to value aspects of your life that you used to take for granted, such as the people in your life, your health, the social conditions you live in (such as the peacefulness and stability of your life), and even the fact of being alive itself.

The third approach is happiness through being. There is a well-being we experience whenever our inner-being—or consciousness—is in a relatively quiet or empty state. We experience this when we stop striving to achieve things or when we stop living in the future and give our full attention to our experience in the present. We often experience it in the countryside, when the stillness and beauty of nature have the effect of relaxing and slowing down our minds, filling us with a sense of ease and aliveness. We might experience it when we go running or swimming—even though we might feel physically tired, we’re glowing with a vibrant energy and inner calm and wholeness. It might happen during or after meditation, yoga, or a period of playing or listening to music.

In these moments we feel in a positive, contented state without knowing exactly why. We feel happy without necessarily having any reason to be happy. We don’t feel happy because something good has happened to us or because we have something to look forward to. We feel happy just because a tangible energetic sense of well-being is inside us. It’s almost as if the energy we sense within us in these moments—the energy of our being or consciousness—has a natural quality of well-being.

This is the "well-being of being" itself, which you can cultivate by developing inner quietness, by giving yourself the opportunity to "withdraw" from activity and external stimuli for a while, and allowing your mind to slow down and empty. Probably the best way to do this is to meditate or practice other meditative-type activities such as swimming, running, tai chi, or yoga. Meditation will allow you not only to experience this well-being on a temporary basis, but it will help you to "touch into it" on an ongoing, long-term basis too. The happiness of being also comes from living mindfully, giving our full attention to our experience in the present rather than immersing our attention in "thought-chatter" based on the future or on alternate realities.

In my view, these three approach to happiness are equally important, and they should be cultivated in parallel. As well as changing out lives by introducing activities that bring well-being and learning to think in a more positive and appreciative way, we should also aim to cultivate the inner, spiritual well-being described above. In positive psychology—the field of psychology that investigates human well-being and flourishing—inner spiritual well-being isn't given much attention. Positive psychologists almost exclusively focus on the "doing" and "thinking" approaches. But the happiness of being is very important too. In fact, in some ways it's possibly the most significant approach to happiness, because it suggests that well-being is actually natural to us, and it's something that we only need to allow to express itself, rather than attain.

Steve Taylor(link is external), Ph.D. is a senior lecturer in psychology at Leeds Beckett University, UK. He is the author of Back to Sanity and The Fall.

Signs and Symptoms of Depression

from www.beyondblue.org.au

A person may be depressed if, for more than two weeks, he or she has felt sad, down or miserable most of the time or has lost interest or pleasure in usual activities, and has also experienced several of the signs and symptoms across at least three of the categories below.

It’s important to note that everyone experiences some of these symptoms from time to time and it may not necessarily mean a person is depressed. Equally, not every person who is experiencing depression will have all of these symptoms.

Behaviour

• not going out anymore
• not getting things done at work/school
• withdrawing from close family and friends
• relying on alcohol and sedatives
• not doing usual enjoyable activities
• unable to concentrate

Feelings

• overwhelmed
• guilty
• irritable
• frustrated
• lacking in confidence
• unhappy
• indecisive
• disappointed
• miserable
• sad

Thoughts

• 'I’m a failure.'
• 'It’s my fault.'
• 'Nothing good ever happens to me.'
• 'I’m worthless.'
• 'Life’s not worth living.'
• 'People would be better off without me.'

Physical

• tired all the time
• sick and run down
• headaches and muscle pains
• churning gut
• sleep problems
• loss or change of appetite
• significant weight loss or gain

If you think that you, or someone you know, may have depression, there is a quick, easy and confidential checklist you can complete to give you more insight. The checklist will not provide a diagnosis – for that you need to see a health professional. 

My Declaration of Self esteem

My Declaration of Self Esteem

I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it -- I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me.

By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know -- but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.

--- From Self Esteem by Virginia Satir

Autobiography in five chapters

                          

Autobiography in five chapters

by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost...I am hopeless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in......it is a habit.

My eyes are open

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

The Journey

The Journey

Success sometimes seems like a collection of products, or a place that you can get to or buy.

When we are small we think we will be happy when we can finally turn over or walk or go to school. 

Then it’s being old enough to date or drive or finish school - that really feels like success.

Some people think success is getting married. That’s when they’ll really be happy. 

Or that real happiness comes when a baby finally arrives.

Maybe we’ll be sucessful and happy when we get that job or promotion, or when the kids finally leave home and we can have some peace. 

Success might be when the house is finished or when we retire.

The “golden years” - that’s it.  That’s when we reach success.

Success is every minute you live. 

It’s the process of living. 

It’s stopping for the moments of beauty, of pleasure: the moments of peace. 

Success is not a destination that you ever reach. 

Success is the quality of the journey.

Anonymous.

Workshop Review

Workshop Review:  Strategies for solving problems in life.

Presented by:  Gerhard Baumer.

Reviewed by:  Monica Jackman. 

Organised by: Adlerian Network of Ireland, Clonmel, Co. Tipperary.  

Date:  10^th March 2013.

The aims of the workshop were to enhance and widen the ability to find new and more creative problem solving strategies. The main focus was on birth order i.e. a person’s place in the family of origin.  We were asked to consider several questions.  What problems do we have and how are we dealing with them?  What was our place in the family?  How did we deal with problems in our family of origin? How are our goals in life tied in with our decision-making strategies?  We broke into small groups to discuss this and then gave feedback to the larger group afterwards.

Gerhard’s approach was very relaxed, still and calm. We broke into groups of eldests, middles, youngests and only children. We discussed how decisions were made in our childhood homes and brought it into the present day to see how these childhood experiences still might affect us in our daily lives.  When the information was fed back to the larger group it became clear that even though there were a lot of similarities between the people in each of the small groupings there were a lot of differences as well depending on a lot of factors including the age gap between people which might push an individual out of the stereotypical expectations that others might have.

Gerhard was gently challenging and it may have felt life-changing for the brave ones who stepped forward throughout the day to volunteer to do some personal work with him. I think that based on the information that he was given, he was able to see things that people may not have seen for a lifetime and in some way by him voicing them there was a permission granted to be able to finally let go of them or some of the intensity of the emotions surrounding them.

These are some ideas that Gerhard put forward about Birth Order. 

Older siblings may be seen as substitute parents. The older one may try to overcome younger ones to defend their own space by control.  An eldest may be self-sufficient, lacking in self-doubts if the parents tend to agree with their role as an eldest. They are less likely to be in the caring professions unless they would be recognised for this work.

Middle children are under pressure from above and below.  They may try to avoid conflicts.  They may try to “sneak out” emotionally or get another job if there are issues in the workplace.  Middle children are often to be found in the caring professions. 

Youngests may not be taken seriously.  They might start to fight to prove that they are smart. They may be easygoing and flexible. They may be talkative, and outgoing if not discouraged.  They can learn things by just watching.  Parents are usually less strict with them.  

Only children can be lonely.  Their main relationships are with adults except in case where there may be a lot of children living in the area. They are taken as being older than they are.  They don’t learn how to fight.  They are always the centre of attention at home.  School and work may be difficult for them, as the attention on them is not there in the same intensity.  They may go into jobs where they can be seen.  One to one relationships are important, they may not fit as well into groups.

Adler’s personality types were also discussed, and how these might affect decision making.  I think that everyone enjoyed the day and learned a lot.

Counsellor Waterford

Counselling is about listening and about sitting with someone, without judging, without criticism. It is about offering a calm and relaxing space in which a person feels that they can be themselves. Some people find this difficult in the beginning. It can be confusing to choose a Counsellor or Psychotherapist in Waterford as there are so many offering so many different approaches. Sometimes a person may have to go to see a few different Counsellors to find one that they feel comfortable with. It is important that a person feels safe and respected by a Counsellor. Sometimes a Counsellor may invite a person to examine an issue that they have not spoken about to anyone else if they feel that it might be helpful for a person to explore a sensitive topic in their lives, or just to name an upsetting event or feeling. It is always up to the Client if they wish to discuss any issue and it is important that they feel free to refuse to discuss any area if they do not feel ready to proceed with it. It is the Client's time and it is vital that they feel ownership of it so that when progress and change happens they will be able to give themselves credit for the progress and feel empowered by it. The Counsellor is there to help and facilitate this work and in my role as Counsellor I am responsible for the process of Counselling, and I adapt my style according to the Clients needs and personality. Some people want to talk more than others and do not need as much verbal input from the Counsellor, others might find it more difficult to talk and would like to have more guidance throughout the session until they feel more at ease. Making the first phonecall to make a Counselling appointment takes courage. In Counselling I can help with short term day to day problems or frustrations or with longer term childhood issues or memories or traumas from the past. Counselling is not for everyone, but it helps many people. If you feel that Counselling might be right for you please feel free to ring me to discuss your needs or to make an appointment.

IACP Workshop Review Publication

Workshop review published in the Autumn 2011 edition of Eisteach the Journal of the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

REVIEW

Title: South East Regional Critical Incident Stress Debriefing (CISD)

Venue: Brandon Hotel, New Ross, Co. Wexford.

Presented by: Peter Ledden RPN MIACP MLBCAI Director of Abate Counselling and EAP Limited Dublin. Accredited Supervisor IACP LBCAI.

Date: 15th May 2010.

Peter began this very interesting and informative presentation with a brief history of Critical Incident Stress Management (CISM) and the ABATE organization. He defined critical incidents as very traumatic incidents which “are unusually challenging events that have the potential to create significant human distress and can overwhelm one’s usual coping mechanisms.” Peter adds that this occurs temporarily following the incident and that individuals can be assisted with early intervention. Peter stressed the importance in CISD of being a Manager first and a Counsellor second. Practical issues have to be dealt with first and this demands assessing, planning, implementing and evaluating. Critical Incidents which Peter has assisted with include the Dublin Bus crash on Wellington Quay in 2004, the Asgard sinking, the Aer Arann plane crash in Connemara and the recent Dublin Street Riots.

Defusing and Debriefing are two techniques which are used in CISM. “Debriefing (CISD) is a structured, small group crisis intervention process”. The goal is to lower tension and mitigate a small group’s reaction to a traumatic event. It should only be attended by people who were directly involved with the critical incident. Individuals should be grouped according to their involvement where possible e.g. all fire personnel together, and he stressed the importance of not leaving anyone out. CISD is usually provided between 24 and 72 hours after a traumatic event. However, CISD is not professional counselling nor a treatment for post traumatic stress disorder.

Defusing is a shortened version of the debriefing, provided within hours of a traumatic event. It usually takes 20 – 45 minutes, whereas debriefing usually takes 2-3 hours. Defusing must be provided within 8 hours of an incident, and ideally within one to two hours after the incident. Defusing must be conducted by trained CISM team members only.

Peter presented the SAFE-R Model (G.S. Everly 1995) of CISD which involves:

1. Stabilising the situation.

2. Acknowledging the crisis.

3. Facililitating understanding

4. Encouraging effective coping techniques.

5. Restoration of independent functioning.

The documentation provided by Peter describes the impact of acute stress after a critical incident. According to this there are three phases in the process leading to recovery:

The acute stress phase “begins at the moment of the impact of the critical incident and most of the common symptoms of acute stress manifest within the first twenty-four to thirty-six hours. Although this is the briefest phase, it is also the one that causes the most distress”. There are physical responses, psychological responses, emotional responses and behavioral responses. We experience the world through the five senses and smells that people smelled at the time of a critical incident can have the power to re-activate or re-trigger the feelings that were experienced at a later time. It is helpful to explore this.

“The awareness phase follows the initial overwhelming shock and may last for just a few days. However, the timing of any of these phases is dependent of the severity of the critical incident and the individual’s unique response to loss and acute stress”.

The re-entry/integration phase is a time for cognitive reframing if useful to facilitate closure, and to foster group cohesion if necessary. A person may wonder “how long will I feel like this?” and this is a good time to discuss this. It is helpful to end on a positive note on how well they dealt with the situation to safely land them back in a better frame of mind than when they came in.

“People usually begin the process of acceptance and integration within three to four weeks after the critical incident and gradually begin to know that they can not change what happened but they can find the strength and courage to learn to live with what happened and ensure that unnecessary side effects are prevented.” Peter used the phrase “Beehive Effect” to describe the collective unconscious defense mechanism soemtimes exhibited by emergency services when they close ranks as a group after dealing with a critical incident.

Peter was very skillful, clear and easy to listen to and covered a lot of very useful material during the workshop.

In the afternoon ten volunteers from the group took on the roles of people affected by a workplace trauma and enacted a debriefing. This was very skillfully managed by Alice McLouglin in her role as the debriefing manager.

Peter said that he is passionate about this work and this was very clear to all of us. Peter finished the workshop with a feedback session from the group. Peter’s clear and detailed presentation was appreciated by all of the group.

Monica Jackman M.I.A.C.P.

COMMUNICATION

Exercise in Helpful Active Listening

Complete the following sentences.

I feel frustrated when you.......

I feel happy when you......

I feel rejected when you.....

Listen to your partner/friend/relative share their experience of frustration/happiness/rejection or whatever they are feeling.

Set a time limit of five to ten minutes each.

Ask questions for clarification only, do not interrupt until they have finished speaking.

Try to understand the feelings that they are expressing. It is not always about the issue that is at the surface, but respect it if they say that it is.

Draw out the other person's feelings. Ask them "how do you feel about that?"

or repeat some words "you feel angry about that" to show them that you heard what they said or just be silent, caring and attentive.

When the person speaking has finished they will hopefully be able to tell you that they felt listened to, tell you what helped about the way in which you listened and that they felt understood.

Reverse roles then and repeat the exercise so that both people have a chance to speak and be heard.

It may be tempting to interrupt the speaker but just remember that each person will have a chance, and it feels good to be able to speak knowing that you will not be interrupted. This exercise is done with mutual respect, and without accusations. Using "I statements" saying how you feel only ensures the safety of this exercise.

GRATITUDE

Developing a Habit of Gratitude and Appreciation Bill O'Hanlon, www.billohanlon.com

There are three types of appreciation: 1. Highlighting Gratitude to Oneself: Note to oneself things that one can be grateful for on a weekly basis 2. Savoring: Note to oneself or others what one appreciates aesthetically, like a beautiful sunset, a good meal, and so on 3. Expressing Gratitude to Others: Express appreciation to those people one values and is grateful to Noting to oneself the things one appreciates Some people do this daily, some people do it weekly, but developing a habit of gratitude and appreciation can be helpful. One could note the things one appreciates about the day or the week as a way to do this. One could also focus on the people one appreciates. One could also note the things that others are struggling with and use that as the basis for appreciation and gratitude. Things like hearing about or noticing that others don't have enough to eat, don't have a place to live, are dealing with with serious illness or loss and so on. Savoring the present This usually involves attending to your sensory experience (sights, sounds, smells, touch and tastes) in the present. Another element of savoring is not to multi-task. Do and notice just the thing one is involved in or doing. This might mean turning off the television or not reading while you are eating and instead focusing on the taste, texture or smells of the food you are eating. Expressing gratitude to someone Positive psychology researchers usually recommend writing a "Gratitude Letter" to someone to whom you are grateful and have never fully expressed your appreciation. They also recommend you be present when the person reads the letter. If that's too difficult, they suggest being on the phone or on a Skype video when the person reads the letter. Try writing your own gratitude letter to someone. Be as specific as possible about the things you are grateful for and appreciate about them and/or what they have done for you.

Bereavement

Bereavement or mourning is a process not a state, which occurs after the loss of a loved one. Grief refers to the personal experience of the loss. Bereavement or loss can occur for many reasons. It can happen the death of a spouse, child, parent, sibling, close friend, or after a miscarriage. It can happen due to the loss of the expectation of how your life was going to be, through career loss, financial trouble, infertility, family, relationship or marital break-up.

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross the five stages of grief are:

1. Denial and isolation.

2. Anger.

3. Bargaining.

4. Depression.

5. Acceptance.

According to Worden (1982) after one sustains a loss there are certain tasks of mourning that must be worked through for balance to be re-established and for the process of mourning to be completed. These four tasks are the following:

1. To accept the reality of the loss.

2. To experience the pain of grief.

3. To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.

4. To withdraw emotional energy from the deceased and reinvest it.

The overall goal of bereavement counselling when someone has died is to give the bereaved person time to talk about their loved one, to talk about their feelings of loss, to work in time towards a place of acceptance, and to help them to see that it is possible to continue on in life without forgetting their loved one, and knowing that they will always have a place in their life.

Imagery For Relaxation

Give your mind positive images and caring, encouraging self-talk, and change worrying thoughts to helpful healing thoughts. Positive images raise energy levels. Negative images produce gloomy moods and tired muscles. To be able to use the mind effectively it needs to be quietened, you cannot relax if your mind is jumping hurdles.

Form a clear image of a pleasant scene. Include images from other senses. If everyday thoughts come into your mind, just note them mentally and let them pass, don’t hang onto them, bring your attention back to the chosen image.

Include images from all of the senses:-

See the shapes and colours

Smell the scent of flowers

Feel the grass beneath your feet

Hear the birds singing in the trees

Taste the salt air on your lips

1. Sunny beach

2. Field of wild flowers

3. Cool forest

4. Clear stream

5. Sloping hill

6. A vase of flowers

7. A picture or a painting

8. Trees blowing gently in the wind.

9. A favourite room in your house.

10. A garden you know well.

11. Go for a walk in your mind.

12. A harbour with boats on the water.

13. Use your ears and listen to the sounds around you.

14. You are on a mountaintop on a tropical island. Below there is a tropical rain forest, The morning rains are ending. In the distance there is a white, sandy beach and a palm tree.

15. Imagine a tree filled with song birds. The birds fly away from the top branches, then the next branches, and so on until there is just one bird left. Concentrate on this bird until it flies off, then look at the branch it was sitting on and focus on just one lovely pale green leaf.

These are only suggestions. If these do not work for you, make up your own scene or try an alternative method of relaxation.

Breathing Exercises

The Way we breathe influences the way we feel. How we feel influences how we breathe. Breathing correctly can produce feelings and states of mind that combat stress. Relaxation gives your body time to rest and repair, physically and mentally. It reduces the heart rate and if practised regularly, will lower your blood pressure.

Correct breathing is slow and regular. Inhalations should be comfortable and natural. Nasal breathing is more effective in producing calmness. By watching your breathing a stillness can be experienced. This is often associated with feelings of calmness and restfullness. Prolonged exhalations in particular produce stilling effects. Conscious slowing of your breathing will produce calm.

Breathing to release tension

Sit or lie in a comfortable position with your arms and legs uncrossed, your spine straight and your feet on the floor. Take a few moments to get yourself as comfortable as you can. Let your body go loose and heavy; Let the chair, bed or floor support the weight of your body completely. Close your eyes. Breathe easily and normally, don't force your breathing. Concentrate on your breathing for a few moments. Choose one of the following methods of relaxation: -

1. Breathe in deeply into your abdomen. Put a hand on your stomach until you can feel it fill up. Count to four as you inhale. Let yourself pause for two seconds before you exhale. Count to six as you exhale. Continue breathing in this way for five to ten minutes. Notice your breathing gradually slowing, your body relaxing and your mind calming as you practice this breathing exercise.

2. Think, “breathe in relaxation.” Pause for two seconds before you exhale. Breathe out from your abdomen. Think, “breathe out tension.” Become aware of any tension in your body as you inhale. Let go of tension as you exhale.

3. Think of one word that you associate with being relaxed. The word may be something like 'calm', 'peace', 'sunshine' or even 'relax' itself. It doesn't matter which word you choose as long as it is one word that means relaxation to you. Say your word to yourself each time that you breathe out. So, breathe in, breathe out and say the word in your mind. As you breathe out visualise yourself breathing the tension out of your body.

4. Visualise yourself breathing in a favourite relaxing colour and breathing out a colour that you might associate with stress.

Let yourself relax like this for 5 to 15 minutes. When you have finished relaxing allow yourself to slowly come to; never jump up too quickly during or after relaxation.